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These Situations Confuse Me

 i dont know how to handle these situations i am put in
so theres this guy
i really like him
but he is 2 years older and he has a more "developed mind"
and i just......

Remember Were Best Friends For Never

  i hate having realizations that hurt me.


like that whenever i need to cry there is never a shoulder near by willing to hold its place for me.
or like when i am having boy troubles and i cant just run away and hide
the city is only right for somethings
never for the "bad" moments that seem to fill my life

why is it that i find people who move far away
or that dump me in a matter of months
i have what 3-4 really good friends?
is this what my life will consist of?
is just does doesnt seem fair.
it doesnt seem real

i think i might just wake up one day
all the nightmares wished away
never to be found again
locked in an air tight box
only to be opened--never

i try not to blame anyone but myself 
but this does not work 
there is always someone who can take this blame away from me
its my only way to cope sometimes

when i talk about my experiences
i cry 
i hate it
i need a change....

ive gone on too long
i need to calm down
find someone to talk to
it shouldnt be that hard..right?

The Secret Life of Me

You may not know that my parental life is screwed.
I am wondering if I should send this informative yet terrible letter to my mother and father
So step on up to the end of forever.
(Dont judge or say how dare you. Save it for your real friends)


Dear Mom and Dad,

         

Every single last thing is because of me in your mind. Well you know what, this one's on you. You’re the ones smoking. You’re the ones making your lungs black. That’s the reason you’re coughing all the time. There is no way you can put this one on me. So brace yourselves, this ones YOUR fault. Not only is it killing you, but it is killing me. It’s called secondhand smoking. Call me crazy, but id like to live longer then you both are going to live. Wow crazy thought huh? You know what; I bet Suda experienced secondhand smoking too. I done research and it effects pets to. It probably contributed to her DEATH!!!!! You just don’t understand. You said you’d try to quit, but your smoking more then ever. And in my face, which is worst of all. So just go outside. I'm tired of this. If it’s cold outside, then you got to want to smoke, because you should have to put on a coat and brace the cold weather outside. If it’s warm, then go outside. If its summer, winter, spring, or fall GO OUTSIDE. OR just try to quit. And Mom you always take stuff out on me. GUESS WHAT!-->it not my fault that you haven’t slept well, or that your work sucks, that was never caused by me, so stop being such a bitch to me about that kind of stuff. DAD I know you promised me you would try to quit (many times actually). But last night when I asked you to stop you said deal with it! How dare you say that? I should not have to deal with this crap. No child should have to die earlier because their parents smoke in the house. That should never be the case. In fact it’s kind of like murder. SO go smoke to your death in jail. And mom I know you told me you would try to quit, this was what? 4 years ago. Get your act together, stop being such procrastinators, and Get the gum, the patch! DO SOMETHING because you can’t do this on your own. These things can help you with withdraw. The kitchen is not good enough. The smell lingers around the house. DO you know how gross it is to come home to a smoke filled\smelling house? IT’S THE WORST experience ever. I can’t invite friends over because of the smell and the smoke. THAT IS JUST WRONG. Its repulsive, it really is. And I know you smoke in the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen...ECT when I’m sleeping or when I am out. Even when I’m awake sometimes! Well I’m tired of it. Go kill yourselves outside, and out of my sight for god sake. Way to set a good example! 
 This rooms been dusted

No trace of you dares to live

For we are in fear of ourselves

What can happen with one missed word?

In the blink of an eye

The world flashes by

It will end up breaking

Well fall into the arms we long for

Waiting to see if they can hold us up

What happens when they give up?

Will I ever let go

 

I dress to impress

But the lies seek to find their way

They always know the fastest way

So why am I here standing at the starting line

Waiting for the gun

When it comes

I will run

If I get to the end

Who will win?

I know I won’t

For I am a joke

These lies of mine will always find their way

My deepest darkest secrets exposed

Like a film

Only I have no dimension.

 

I sit down next to this unforgiven grass

For they had to provide the soft landing

But look where she is now

Wisdom can not reach her

The ground can only hold her for so long

She gets these petals that mean nothing

People preach to her daily

But does she even care

Night and day don’t matter

For she is blind to reality

Tears wipe across the sky

I girl stands watching the grass

Warrior marks that have been painted on fade

Maybe she’s blind too

For who could care about the unforgiven

The birds and the bees can’t save her now

She got to herself

She has left us forever

 

We look to the stars for guidance

Painting pictures across the sky

Black and white are my only colors

We pray and we give up

What have be become

We need to learn lessons

Come face to face with ourselves

For we are not who we think we are

Run away from the disaster

That is what you would do anyway

Never face yourself

And never forgive yourself

But turn around and face me

Well get through this together

Run away with me

Well head towards the stars

Well get there I promise

One way or another

So take down that bottle

And place it on the wall

Just one more memory

We need to forget

 

[just one of those sappy teen poems in plural form]

Just One Of Those Movie Moments

 


Movie moments seem to define my life lately. 

(must being a teenager be so cliché?)

I seem to be having a lot of those tell all moments,
I’m not sure if I should regret or rejoice at my new found openness

Today me and my friend spilled our hearts out onto a lower school art table.
It just kinda happened...
I feel as if she should know all the shit that goes on in my life, and how I am secretly messed up...
But it just feels as if I am an open book, and the reader has taken a pen and written right across the cover.
My title has changed from a crazy-hyper girl to the overly emotional girl who cries in health class because I was called not normal because of my weight.
Damn these genes of mine.
must they mess up my life to flipping much?
I hate being this damn skinny.
I can’t stand standing in front of a mirror and looking at the person next to me. 
It seems as if I always compare myself to others...
I always lose the battle of beauty…

But why do I even care, I really shouldn’t

It’s this damn society.

All I have to say is damn you.
But I must admit

It feels good to open up, and pour your soul into willing hands.
I feel confident in my decisions to tell her my life story
She already knows half of it.

Do I try to see if she wants to open up to me?
The questions of my life:

What to do or what not to do…


[repost for the new account]